A despairing thought lurking in the shadows of my imagination. Thinking of the negative things that could possibly take place but never happened. I was pessimistic, letting my fears sink in. Destroying my heart and mind from it’s tranquil state, overpowering optimism, and letting myself go into a depressive mood. I was thinking about the worst-case scenario. I was stuck, slowly sinking in a muddy sinkhole.
Acting as if everything is fine. Putting on a happy mask, a facade so people around me would stop asking questions I keep on avoiding.
I haven’t visited my WordPress nor written anything for several months, my apologies for that. I stop. I was afraid, if I write how I feel people would pick up the negativity, then causing a domino effect. Spreading negativity to my readers, that I do not want to happen.
My father was hauled into an ambulance, while on the way to the hospital the ambulance care assistant declared “no response”. As my mother narrated the details of what transpired that time, I felt totally numb. I keep telling myself not to cry, to be strong, and to stay hopeful. My father had his second stroke, the first time was five years ago. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation then, because I didn’t know how to handle my emotions either. I needed to talk to someone, I was so afraid, but I don’t want to be a burden to someone else. I didn’t want my family to know how fearful I was back then. My father showed signs of progress the next day, getting better day by day. That gave me hope.
While my father was still recuperating, the news of terrorist attack flooded most social media, TV and radio stations. From where I live 37.9 km away, war-torn Marawi City its death toll has now breached the 600 mark. For more than three months of on going war, people are devastated, Marawi City is left in ruins. Every now and then helicopters flew overhead, and now I am getting used to hearing it everyday.
Yes, things doesn’t go as you want them to be, you worry too much. But you know you need to have a better attitude towards the situation.
As I recall myself thinking, what if my father didn’t make it? What if my father was paralyze? What if his brain had been affected from stroke? What if the terrorist attack my city? What if the war broke into my city? What if we are force to leave our homes? What if some of my friends were affected by Hurricane Irma and Harvey, I have no news from them. What if my friends leave me? And who wants to become my friend when I’m carrying a whole load of baggage? What if I die today? The unending ‘what ifs’ keeps popping up, fuelling my fears more and more.
I let this two words control myself, wondering will I be okay? Letting it surround my thoughts, causing anxiety and depression. Making me feel miserable.
“The fears we didn’t face become our limits.” This quote from Zig Ziglar made me realize I become my worst enemy. What happened?!?!?! I was a positive thinker before.
As Dustin Meyer stated on his article The Ultimate Guide to Self Motivation, “The biggest thing that will help is not being negative toward yourself. If you are negative you only will bring yourself back down, and you will be less motivated. So, just being positive about any outlook and rewarding yourself will prove to be a tremendous help.”
Another article of Dustin Meyer helped me go through my struggles. He wrote in his 10 Motivational Quotes, “Remind yourself that all the suffering and hardships you go through is worth it in the end. No matter how many hardships you go through, how many people tell you you’re wrong or how many times you fail, just remember that you’ll find that it’s more than worth it in the end.
“The only person you are destined to become is the person who you choose to be.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Think about it this way: If you never go through hard times in life, than how can you expect yourself to be prepared for the challenges that lie ahead? Like I said earlier, your ability to react to failure is what makes you stronger.”
All of this happened for a reason. I am taking each day as it comes, to keep reminding myself to be positive, to be hopeful, and to start again. To look forward to the positive possibilities of my future.
What matters the most is you strive to become better no matter how hard things get, go forward with a greater sense of purpose.
Photo credts to the owner http://awatrees.blogspot.com.